Learning to slow down and focus on the basics

Some photo's from our walk on Saturday. So glad I dragged my children out. The fall colors are just beautiful. I love taking photo's of a path way. Where does it lead? Who has walked there before me? I like to look at the way the sun shines down on the ground and through the trees. This path way seems to slowly take you in a new direction, one that is lighted and warm. My life right now hasn't seemed to be heading down a bright and warm pathway. When I think too much I wonder is there something good at the end of the road that my family is travelling on? When I become bogged down with worry I head to the scriptures, or to some of my churches

guide books or magazines. Yesterday I listened to some conference talks from our recent conference for our Church. The talk I listened to was exactly what I needed. It talked about how when trees grow during hard times they slow down and only do the basic things needed to live.

I realized that that is exactly what my husband and I need to do. We need to not try to speed through our trial, but to slow down, focus on doing the things that we need to survive this period of change. And to find time to just enjoy each other and our children.

Another comfort came from reading in our churches hand book about tithing. My husband and I both agree that paying tithing is so important. We have seen blessings from doing this. As I read I found that one of the prophets of our church said that if you pay your tithing you will have food, clothing and shelter. This gave me such comfort. These are all that I could hope to have right now. I've often told my husband I make sure we pay our tithing so that we will receive the blessings we need. Yesterday it was odd, but I was pondering that we had paid our tithing and saying those windows should be opening and sending a blessing. Then a few minutes later a friend of my husbands brought us a new bike and 7 bags of groceries. We didn't need groceries we were fine, but it was such a wonderful blessing, and it made my daughter so happy as the bike was for her. A beautiful blue girls bike. It made me feel so blessed. Another blessing I have been receiving is the ability to find my ancestors. I have been working hard to put together my family tree and each day as I work I find at least 20 new names to add. I have over 7000 names in my family tree. I often tell my husband that if this is the blessing that is to be poured out I wish it would slow down. It is absolutely overwhelming. It keeps my typing really good though. I know that if you live the way Heavenly Father wants you to you will be blessed even in your trials. I look forward to reading more scriptures today and being made stronger. I hope you all continue to be strong in your faith too.

Wild Hunter

On our walk the other day we spotted this beautiful cat out in the woods hunting. I'm not sure if it is a wild cat or someones pet. I was thankful for the telephoto lens on the camera. My daughter loves cats and reads these books called "Warriors" about wild cats. So seeing the cat was just a treat for her. When we take walks she often points out where the wild cat's might live. I think he might have been hunting chipmunks. We may have caused him to lose his prey.
Today the sky reflects my feelings perfectly. Cloudy and grey. I feel a bit overwhelmed and tired.

It has been hard for my family to come to terms with the loss of my husbands friend. My husband actually ended up coming home from work today. He fixed the car that he had from the night before and then came home. He has made a total of 4 hours this week. This job situation is just not the greatest. Although there is one point he should remember and that is none of the mechanics are making hours. Yet when the work does come in it seems the service writer does not give him much of it. I printed him some other job notices in hopes he may just try to apply to other jobs, but he doesn't seem interested at this point. I try so hard to be the cheer leader, the one who

makes life seem normal and happy around the house for everyone, and yet there are moments when I feel I'd would just love to curl up and cry. I'll be glad to get to work tomorrow. To just have a bit of time away. I'm hoping next week I'll have more hours. I'd like to get at least 25 hours a week. I'm sure as the holidays approach I will get more time. We are probably OK for another month at which point I may cash in my one retirement fund. Everyone says not to, but I'd much rather cash it in while the stock market is high than wait for it to go low again. I don't have much hope of having a retirement. I think I'll be working anyways. I'd like to just have a cushion. I guess I just don't want to lose my house. We are not behind on anything, nor do we have any big bills, but that fear is just something that is always at the back of my head. I guess we all have things we worry over. I am trying very hard to not spend anything on my credit cards this month. We will see. I hope this economy turns around. It is awfully hard out there. Hope that all who are reading have a wonderful week.

Sorry put the same photo in twice couldn't tell what I was looking at!

The Elusive Monarch Butterfly

All summer I have been trying to get a photo of a Monarch Butterfly in my garden. Each time I have seen this beautiful butterfly I have ran into my house grabbed my camera and ran back out. Yet as soon as I would get near it would fly away. It is not a dumb bug by any means. When someone approaches it flies away. I just happened to look out the window this afternoon and saw this Monarch in my Mums. I grabbed my camera and all my waiting was finally paid off. The Butterfly would fly up and away but then circle back and land on the flowers. I stood back and used the telephoto lens to capture the photos.


I stood waiting until the butterfly would open his wings and then I would snap the photo. This really made my day. I have some great butterfly photo's to add to my collection now. One thing you don't see in the photo's is the mass of bee's that were surrounding the flowers. They are loving my garden.
I have to say I love digital cameras. I can take as many photo's as I want and only print out the ones I really like. Saving me so much money that I don't have right now.
We had a really rough week last week. At the beginning of the week we lost a friend and church member to cancer. And then at the end of the week one of my husbands close friends took his life.

As I've pondered these two events I realize how very special life is. On the one hand I know our friend who passed from cancer had a great desire to continue his life, he would have cherished every day given to him. And then on the other the friend who took his life got to a point where he could not see the great gift that he had. Trying to explain it to my children has been hard. They are very upset at the friend who took his life. "That was very stupid of him " my daughter said. And while I agree, I have no good answer to give her. It will be hard getting used to this person not being in our lives as he called almost every day, and so each time the phone rings we (my husband and I) think we know the one person it isn't. In life we have opposites health, illness, richness, poverty, good, evil... the list goes on. We at some point we get to feel the pain of illness which allows us to truly be happy when we are well. Most people suffer times of poverty that allows us to realize how blessed we are when we have what we need. But With Life and Death you don't usually get to experience death so that you can realize how lucky you are to be alive. You can see other pass away, but there are not many people who die and come back. So I wonder if when we die if there is that moment where you realize wow my life as hard as it was, was such a huge gift. I wonder what that perspective will be. I'm hoping I have a long time before I find out though.
My husbands job is tough, and though he is learning and gaining experience the pay is really horrible. We have about 4 weeks to go before he either gets a sign on bonus or he is let go. If he gets the bonus we will be very happy and be able to do well, if he gets laid off well it wouldn't be the end of the world as he would be making more on unemployment than he does working. That is so very sad! This morning I was praying to God and I said we could really use a little extra this week. And just 5 minutes later my husbands old boss called and asked if he could work for him on his day off this week. He said he would pay him for the day. And it was as if my prayer was immediately answered. The amount I hoped for us to make was now there to be made. I'm thankful for that. I feel very blessed. I'm still learning to be better at our finances, but I know that in the end it will be OK.

I Survived my first night!

Well I had my first night on the job last night. I got to watch another cashier and do lots of bagging. It was fun, and I enjoyed meeting some of the people I will be working with. Everyone seems really nice. I think the hardest part of the job will be finding all the hidden security tags. Some you have to take off, others you have to deactivate and tell the customers to cut out once they decide they are keeping their article of clothing. I was amazed I had energy when I got home. I was also amazed at how many people that work there have more than one job. I don't know how people work 60 hour weeks. I did that before I had children, but hope to never have to

do it again. I would rather have less and free time than to be working constantly.

My husbands job is going well this week. He has actually made 7 hours each day. That is good when his typical day is 8 hours. He has a much better outlook on things this week. This is a hard time for us, but thankfully we are continuing to have the strength to move forward. Soon I will know the full craziness of working in a big retail store. I'm glad I'm able to start out slow. I don't look forward to BLACK FRIDAY. I'm hoping I'll be a bagger that day.

I went back to my library last week and helped out for a little while. I'm going to try to get in once a week, except around the holidays when I'll probably need all the rest I can get. Hope you enjoyed the photo's of the Mum's. They are just absolutely beautiful to see out side my house. This was definitely my best season yet.

The rhythms of life

Here are some photo's from the past few days. The first is of the pink Mum's in my garden. They are so pretty. I got some books from the library and found out that most people find growing Mum's to be hard. I have found them to be a very easy plant to grow. But then again things just seem to grow for me. The other photo's were taken at the park that my children and I go to often. We like to see the turtles and walk along the paths. It is so pretty right now with all the trees changing color. There are lots of squirrels running about. I love to look at nature and to study it. I would have made a good




science teacher. I guess it's not to late, but I always feel I need to prepare for my children to have their college education.

I started a new Crocheting project yesterday. I'm learning how to do the Half double crochet stitch. I've done a lot of scarves with the single crochet stitch. As I was learning this new stitch I realized that I have to move my fingers differently and that there is a different rhythm. As I thought about this I realized that this is also what is happening in my life. What I've been used to for years is no longer what is happening. My life has been in what seems like a constant change lately. I have been having to get used to different schedules

and I've had to stretch and grow and change. It has really worn me out. Yesterday I felt like I've just been doing the minimum and that I feel like I need to do a little more. But I've also realized that it was OK to slow down, so now I've started writing out a list of the things I need to work on and it's been nice to just cross stuff off the list.



I watched a great movie this past weekend while my daughter was sick. It was called "Evan Almighty." What I liked was the view that God does not just give us what we ask for but gives us opportunities to learn and grow. If you ask for


Patience God does not just give you patience he gives you opportunities to become patient. If you pray for stronger faith he gives you opportunities to grow your faith. If you ask for a closer family he doesn't send down warm fuzzy feelings he gives you opportunities to grow closer to your family. So I've started to look at what I've been praying for and realized that I've been receiving opportunities to become better. It is all in how you look at it.

My husband is still very worried about doing well at work. I hope in the future he becomes more calm. It becomes tiring always trying to make him look at things more positively.

I saw this great article about learning good work ethics from sponge bob. I have never liked sponge bob, but the article was really interesting. The best part was not to worry so much about your job. It talked about how when people lose their job's it is like they have lost their identity. I can relate to that. But now I know I'm over that. I have my orientation today. Wish me luck on my new job. Hopefully it won't be as stressful as my husbands job.

They are Blooming!

Here is another photo of the purple cosmo out in my garden. I think they are just beautiful.

The other photo's are of my mum's, they are finally opening. I am home today taking care of my daughter who is sick with a fever. She started feeling sick sometime yesterday. I've been up all night long because I laid in her bed to help comfort her. She slept most of the time but I did not.

My week has had it's ups and downs. I have a job and orientation is on Thursday. I'm glad for this and hopeful that everyone in my family is well by the time Thursday rolls around. I pray I do not get this bug. I'd hate to lose a job before even


beginning.

My Husbands job is not going well. He has only made 10hours so far this week. I'm not sure how many more weeks like this we can take. I almost wish he took the other job at least he would have gotten constant pay. I'm considering cashing in my retirement fund from when I worked for the bank so that we have more of a cushion. We would have been better off if he was unemployed and now I understand why people are not taking jobs.

On the health care front, they received my fax asking them to not terminate our insurance. I pray that this will happen. I'm becoming very sick from all this health insurance stuff. I feel so depressed today. Of course it could be due to lack of sleep, a sick child, and stress. I want to find something to be happy about, some hope. But right now I just hope to curl up and go to sleep. I'm sorry I don't have anything that good or hopeful to say. I'm thankful I was able to buy groceries for this week, that I was able to pay all the bills for this month, I had money to pay for the health insurance I hope to have, I'm thankful that I will start working soon, I'm thankful that I have enough money to pay my mortgage at the end of the month, I'm thankful that I have enough money to buy groceries next week. This time has certainly shown me how easy we had it before. Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time and be back to the easier days. I hope I can find the strength to make it through this. I have never prayed so much, worked so hard to be good. I continually hope for the Lord to bless my family. I just need to be more patient. It is a terribly hard thing to learn. I know there are



so many others who's struggles are more than mine, but for right now I feel as if I've been brought to the very edge of what I can bare.
I hope tomorrow brings more hope to me.

Bully be gone!

Did you know that one little taste of a Easter Lily will kill a cat. That something so beautiful can be so deadly is pretty amazing.

I've been watching the news and peoples comments on my facebook home page and the hot topic of the week is bullying. To each parent (or at least good parent) our child is just as beautiful and wonderful as this lily. Most likely more. We have great hopes and dreams for them and we want the world to love them and accept them as we do. So when our children enter school and bullies show up we are very unprepared. How could any child not like my wonderful child? How could any child be so absolutely mean? My son has suffered from bullying since he was in first grade. I don't think it was until 4th grade that my eyes were really opened to how mean children were being to him. Imagine having your child tell you in first grade that they are going to get off the bus and walk home instead of going into the school. Then having to actually hold them at the bus stop and push them on the bus each morning because they really don't want to go to school. I'm not sure that these incidents were caused by bullying but I now wonder. When my son came home from school he would tell me nothing about school. But I did know that no one played with him at recess. It should have been a fist clue.

Fourth grade was the worst year, but it was also the year we as a family took a stand. We went to the school and worked with the counselor. We told our son if some one is mean you have the right to defend yourself. I remember losing a lot of weight and hating even sending my son to school. But he survived and I believe he is stronger for it. He now has friends, he loves going to school, and I believe he has his own way to coping when someone picks on him. He has ended up in the principals office for standing up for himself, but that is what teaches the other kids to leave him alone.

I wish I could protect my children, and I wish all children had parents that would teach them to be kind so that we did not have to deal with bullying. My heart goes out to anyone who is dealing with these issues. They are not easy to deal with, and there are no easy answers.

New Name

It's official I've changed my code name to Garden Girl. I'm moving on in life, and seeing that Library girl does not fit anymore. Some of my Library girl tendencies have actually started to leave. I no longer go to the public library and feel the need to straighten the shelves. I'm still reading but I'm reading adult books again, not children's books. I hope to visit the library at some point, but I don't feel sad that the job is over. I no longer sit and think I would be checking out children, or I would be heading to work, in fact I no longer even really think of the work and the library anymore. I do long to go out and work in my garden. It's been a bit too

wet though. I still enjoy learning more about flowers and gardening and I'm still waiting for those Mum's to be in full bloom. I have a new job. I'm going to be working for Kohl's. I'm excited to have a job, I look forward to learning more about working in a retail store, and I hope to climb up the work ladder. I am sure in the next few weeks I will become very busy. With the holiday's looming I hope to get as many hours as possible.

My husband and I are still jumping through the health care hoops. I called today to see if they received our fax to not cancel our health care and they had not. We are re-faxing today and sending a hard copy in the mail! Today we are paying for the fax so we can have a receipt that it was sent and received. Hopefully by this time next week things will be fixed. At least they have record of our phone conversations too. I have to say once I get health care I will do what ever I need to keep the policy that I have. I'm so tired of this.

The photo's are of a blanket flower. Yes they are still blooming. The other photo is of a rose. It is also time for me to start filling the bird feeder. We had tons of birds around the house today. My cat kept running from one window to the next.

I have been contemplating my life and thinking of my favorite movie "You've Got Mail". The main character Kathleen Kelly states that she lives a small life. I live a small life, and I've been wondering is there anything wrong with that? I have no huge dream. Some people dream of big vacations, having a new car, having a big house. I just want to remain where I am. I want to watch my children grow and be there for them. I want a simple job that allows me to help pay the bills. Is it wrong to want simplicity? Is there something wrong with me? My husband and I in this respect are the same. I guess that is good, because if one of us wanted something big and the other did not then there would probably be fighting. But I think sometimes people look at us and say " your weird" Or " you lack motivation, or ambition." I'm not sure if that is OK or not. What I want is a family that lasts forever. It is all I've ever wanted. But sometimes I feel others think that is not a worthy goal. What do you think?

My life is like an obstacle course!

My life this past weekend has been like going through and obstacle course. My husband and I had a few months ago applied for health insurance through the state because are children have insurance through them due to the fact that last November my husbands boss stopped paying our health insurance and caused it to be cancelled. We quickly were able to get insurance for the children, and then got a plan for ourselves. My husbands boss at the time was supposed to pay for half of the insurance, but unfortunately he only did that once. Once my husband was laid off we tried again to apply for insurance through the state to be on the same policy as the children.

What we didn't know is that the Governor changed the amount of money you could make to get into the program. So we received a notice in early August that we would not be put into the program. So I got on line and applied for a new and cheaper than before health care. On the day that we finally got health care coverage, we also got a packet that we had insurance through the state. We called the state health care provider and asked if we really had insurance and they told us we did. (little did we and they know that we really needed to call another number and ask this questions.) So we wrote to the other health care company and asked them to cancel the new health care policy. Well this week I set up a bunch of doctor appointments so we can get the flu shot. The doctors called back Friday and said if you have the State Health insurance you can't get flu shot here. So I called to ask where to get flu shots and found out that my husband and my insurance was canceled. The kids thankfully still have insurance. I couldn't get a hold of anyone over the weekend, so I just let it go. This morning I make all my calls and have been told no you don't have health insurance, you did get it for a month but that was a mistake. The computers are sending out letters telling people they have insurance when they don't. I asked them what am I supposed to do? I just canceled a health insurance policy because you sent me letters and insurance cards and said I had insurance. I wanted them to write a letter to the other insurance office and let them know it was their mistake that caused me to cancel. But of course they would not do this. I very calmly told them of my disappointment, didn't yell or scream, but did calmly say how hard this was for our family. I then hung up and called the other insurance company. Thankfully in New Jersey you have 30 days to cancel or reopen a health care policy. So I got the fax number faxed a letter to rescind our termination, and then sent out the payment today. So I'm praying that I do have health insurance! AHHHH!!! So I feel like I'm in a never ending obstacle course...Jump through that hoop, run around those cones, walk the tight rope, climb the wall, go under that rope, jump through the hoop.... On and on. I hope at some point it all settles out. Actually my husband may even be applying to a new job. One of our friends from church sent him an e-mail about a job opening and my husband hopes to find a way to get an interview.

The other good news I have an interview with Kohl's today. I'm very excited I am ready. I love Kohl's, I shop there all the time, they are a great store, they are a green store, they support children's literacy programs, women's health issues. All around great store. So wish me luck! If you are religious say a few prayers for me. I'm thankful for my friends and the little blessing that have come my way each day.

Well look for my next post. Oh also I'm thinking of changing my code name from Library girl to Garden girl. What do you think? I'll still clue you in on good books, but I think the garden is the true passion.

Thanks for reading!