2017 is my year to take a new path. Over the past two months I have been contemplating what I want to do this year. What my goals are, and in all my thinking I have come to realize that it is a good year to be
selfish. I think this decision comes from the comment given to me last year close to this day. A person told me they thought I was one of the most selfless people they had ever met. And thinking back on the situation I was in I realized this was not a good thing.
My ability to be selfless led me into more pain than I really ever want to experience again. I look back at the last few years and see that I have put others first to the point of harming myself both physically and emotionally. I look at all the sacrifices I made for others and realize in it I totally lost my sense of who I am. I know there must be a balance between being "selfless" and being "selfish" and that is really what I hope within the next few years to figure out. Since I had gone too far to the extreme of selflessness I now have decided to go to the opposite extreme of being "Selfish". You may think this an awful step, but I think really it will be a wonderful step for me.
I have decided that this year is about taking care of myself first. I will be healing myself, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Because I feel that somewhere within the last 6 years I have lost myself. Does this mean that I will not help others? No. It just means that all the things I chose to do this year will have to also be healthy for me. I will no longer be the one who gives all the breaks to others at work and takes none for myself. In fact when I see people doing this I tell them, take your breaks too. I will no longer be the person who drops their plans to run to the rescue of others, but never has the same happen for them. I will no longer be the friend who continues to contact people and never have a reply back. If asked to help on any level I will think of all the good and negative of a situation and then decide if it is a healthy situation for me. One of the great lessons I learned last year was that my health is more important than anything else.
I fought a battle last year, a battle that went on from about March to November. I won the battle, but it wore me out. My husband commented that all we do is work, and run around. I told him I'm not doing that this year. I've already started the process of my selfish year. The first thing I have done is spent the last two months cleaning my house. I have been cleaning it out, and organizing it. Because once spring is here I will be spending my days off in my two favorite places, the Temple and in Gardens. The house can collect dust and dirt all summer, I plan to spend as little time as possible in it.
I have been looking at all the aspects of my life and planning my changes. I am no longer being the "Star" employee...I don't need to be the " Exceeds Expectations" employee...I no longer need to be the "Manager of the Month"...I actually don't even care to be a supervisor. I play two roles in my new job, sometimes I'm a supervisor and sometimes I'm just a cashier. I joke that I suffer from multiple personality disorder as each role has different rules and not only do I get confused as to what I'm allowed to do, most of the people I work with get confused too. I even wear different uniforms for my roles. But I have found I simply have no desire to be a supervisor. I like to just have an easy day with no responsibility. I've asked to be supervisor less and cashier more. Because I've realized that I no longer need my job to define me. My job is just a means to get money to do the things I want to do. I don't need the thrill of being in charge. I watch people who desperately want it, and feel sad for them, because really it's not important in the long run. I also have started asking for weekends off, and have started to ask for more Sundays off. I told my supervisor just this week, I don't mind working Sundays, but schedule me so I can go to church. Soon I will have my schedule figured out so that the important things are first and work is second. The nice thing is that my supervisor will work with me so that I have the right balance of work and home life. I have told my fellow associates and supervisors that this is my Selfish year...I am glad they understand.
Last year a lie was written about me. It hurt. I spent months writing in a small journal about the hurt of the lie. I also fought to have the lie exposed. But in the process I also showed mercy and let the the battle be ended without causing huge damage to others. This year I have slowly burned that journal and the papers with the lies. I have found that an important thing in life is to talk positive about yourself. So every time I think of the lie,(which thankfully is not often anymore) I quickly think of my new positive self affirmation. I tell my self "I Am Calm, I Am Sweet, I Am Successful."
Here are the things I have learned you need to do during a selfish year... Turn off negative thoughts... Do you think negative thoughts about yourself? I sometimes do, and so this year my goal is to quickly change to positive thoughts. I have come up with what I want to be, I have thought of the positive things I want people to think when they see me and I say them to myself over and over. My husband said when he met me I was the sweetest person he had ever met, and that somewhere in the last six years I have lost that level of sweetness...So I'm trying to find that again...I'm not sure if I can, but that is why I say I am sweet....People always seem to comment that I am Calm...so that is why I say I am Calm...And who doesn't want to be successful....
Look in the mirror and appreciate yourself....Do you look at others and think how great they are and then look at yourself and not think you are great...you need to stop doing that if you do... make this your year to build yourself up. Say positive things about yourself even if you don't believe it at the moment... the more positive you put out the more will come to you.
Tell the people who have always been there for you that you adore them...And let go of the people who really never are there for you... This will be a year of letting go of people and loving people for me...One of the things I have read on line is that people pick words to study throughout the year. I have a few words I'm studying. Friendship....I don't think I understand what friendship really is, or what a true friend is to what an acquaintance is....so I'm going to be studying Friendships this year. My other word is Desire... I want to learn what it is to Desire to Know God...I don't want to know God to earn blessings, I want to know what it is to Desire to know God..Because I love him and for no other reason. I get so tired of hearing people say if you do this God will bless you. I just want to Know God because I love him, not because there is some blessing to be received.
My selfish year is about finding the best version of me and finding my inner magic....because I have lost who I am. I will spend this year finding out who I want to be and become that. I think it will be a wonderful, magical journey. And I will be sharing it with you. Along with my husbands new job and my Son's mission and my daughters adventures.... I look forward to this new year.... Do you have any plans for your new year? Do you have a word you are studying? Are you cleaning out your house, changing your life? Dreaming some great dream.... I'd love to hear about it.
G.G.
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