Moving makes me think about how I got here.

I've had a lot of time to think about my life the past few weeks. As I sit and think about things I realize that one place I never thought I'd live was New Jersey. In my mind I'm definitely a Vermonter. Although most Vermonters would say I wasn't because I wasn't born there. But I lived most of my young life there. So the question how did I get to New Jersey? And why did I stay so long?
After graduating from High school, I went to the University of Vermont. I majored in Animal Science with a minor in small business management. I was going to either be a veterinarian or own my own horse farm.


Most of my teenage life was consumed by working on a Morgan horse farm. In college I met this guy and we began dating. He graduated a year before me. He got a job with AT&T in New Jersey. We had this long distant relationship during my senior year. And then at the end of my college days he wrote and asked me to move to New Jersey and have a life with him. Of course his idea and my idea of a life together were very different. I was thinking wedding bells and marriage. He was thinking living together and never getting married. That ultimately was the deal breaker.

There was one thing I'd never do, and that was have children without being married. He could not understand this and it just put a wall between us. So a year after moving down to New Jersey I was alone. I decided I'd stay one year as I had a good job, and I wanted to pay all my bills down and then move back to Vermont. Funny how I never got back. I guess God had other plans for me. Now instead of moving back to Vermont I'm Moving to Utah. And at least I know one thing, I know there is a good reason to move.

My husband is doing so well out in Utah. His job is just right for him. He is very busy, and yesterday he got his first bonus check. He sounded so happy on the phone. I can't wait to be with him again. I miss him so very much. Perhaps I'll share our how we met story. I also thought I'd share how come I belong to the church I belong to also. Now that is a very interesting story. So now you know how I ended up here in New Jersey. I think I've lived here about 16 years. I never thought I'd be here that long when I first moved here, and then at some point I never thought I'd move. It sometimes becomes a bit overwhelming.

My house is just that a house, no longer a home.

As I wait to find what date I move, I sit in a house that used to be a home, but is no longer that. All our stuff is packed into boxes. Things that seemed worth keeping at one point have ended up given away or in the trash. I feel a little homeless. Not in the sense that I have no home, but in the sense of what makes a house a home is gone. My family is split apart right now, and that is what is most important to me. Being together. I don't care what type of house I live in as long as we are all together. Being apart at first was new and allowed me to think and reflect on all that we had been through. Now being apart is tiring, and

old. I'm tired of having to make all the decisions, tired of having to do all the work. I miss the nightly talks that my husband and I shared. I miss just being able to ask someone to watch the kids so I could not have to. Thank goodness my kids are teens and don't need constant attention. My garden is over run, and I have no time or energy to care for it. Some days I just feel so tired. I'll have a good day where I get so much accomplished and then I'll have a day where all I want to do is sleep. I know most of this is caused by stress, but I'll be glad for when that stress is less.

I have to say my husband and I never really thought we'd ever move. I had my life planned so simply. We would both work and live here in this little half a house. The kids would do well in school and then go off to college. We would have the house paid off and then we would spend our weekends at the beach. I'm just a very simple person. This whole move has knocked my world off course. I have to think up a whole new idea of my future. As I've looked at all my husband has packed away in the basement I keep wanting to ask "Why do you have all this stuff?" And yet I

step back and realize he never planned for us to move either. Life has sent us this change and it's hard to see where it is leading us. I can only hope that it all works out well for us. It's times like this when I could use an angel from the sky to tell me what is ahead. I wish I could go to the end of the chapter of this part of my life and see what is going to happen. I'm one of those people who has to look at the end of the book to see if there is a happy ending. I just can't help it. And yet with life I can't do that. I wish I could. I continue to realize I must have faith and hope. I must continually trust God in this plan. Not my will but his. Hoping to find a good book to read soon. The book I'm reading right now is just a little better than the last. But still not what I was looking for. I'm off to play Cinderella. Clean, clean the empty house.

Don't pack your kitchen until you know your moving date!

My house is mostly packed up. I have a few things to pack in the basement, and then at some point I need to pack up my computer. That will have to wait till moving week though. I can't live long with out my computer. One of the things I've learned is don't pack the kitchen until close to moving. OK so I thought I'd be moving a little earlier than it looks like. I should know tonight the actual moving week. It's very hard to cook a meal without pots, pans, and serving utensils. I was able to find the pots and pans, but the spatula, serving spoons and can opener are lost in the boxes. I refuse to open them all up again. So dinner last night was a little odd. No one






complained though. I think my kids are getting used to this living among boxes, with very little of their stuff.
I have to say that in all of this I've become more thankful than ever that I believe in God. This week at church in one of the lessons the teacher asked the class "Why do you come to church?" I have thought about that alot this week. Her lesson was based on the talk from conference





called "Waiting on the Road to Damascus."
The talk focuses on the fact that many people do not grow in the church or their testimony because they are waiting for the heavens to open so that they can have a heavenly visitation like Saul. The talk went on to say that most answers to our questions come from whispers from the Spirit, friends in the church, and the Prophets.
As I have reflected on this lesson, I realize how true this is. Many times I go to church with a question, and prayer I want an answer to. The answers usually come from a talk, or lesson given by someone in the church. Even this Sunday during the lesson I was given answers to my


concerns. The teacher said "Sometimes you feel God is not with you during a trial. But once you have been removed from the trial, you see how much he was really there helping. Sometimes it helps to look to your past to see that God is with you." I knew that was so true of my situation. There are moments where I feel alone, and not strong enough. There are moments when I fear that my house will never sell. And then I will think back to other times where I was worried, and see that all worked out well. When I do this it calms me down. It allows me to realize that this to will work out. I have to just take it one day at a time.


Why do I go to church? I go because it helps me grow closer to the Savior and God. It strengthens me for the week ahead. I also receive answers to my prayers at church. So many of my prayers have been answered within the walls of my church. I typically think and ponder all week long on some question for God. And it seems by Sunday he is done with my questioning and gives me my answer. In October I was studying a blessing given to me and kept wondering when will certain things happen. On my drive home the spirit whispered that my family would be moving. I was so


happy for this answer back then. I wish I could still feel that good feeling. Here we are moving, and I know it's the right thing. But it is so much harder than I imagined. This past week I was thinking "Where are you in this God." And he has shown me through this lesson. I'm here, I'm the friends helping you, I'm the people praying for your family. I haven't left you, I'm here, be quiet and see. In the talk President Uchtdorf says " I testify to you that our Father in Heaven loves his children. He loves us. He loves you. When necessary the Lord will even carry you over obstacles as you seek his Peace with a broken heart and a contrite spirit." What peace this brings to me. How thankful I am I go to church each week. How thankful I am to have the Lord to carry me. I know what is spoken in this talk is true. I know that God loves us, and he answers our prayers. I hope you will find this in your life too. Do you like the picture of my cat, in her new travel case?
Do any of you have a suggestion for a good summer book to read? I have to say I've picked three really awful books. I like to read at night, to escape a little. I'm looking for something light and fun. Instead I've picked really bad books. To keep you from making the same poor choice DO NOT READ " Love in Mid Air." It is a waste of paper. Unless you really want to read something really depressing. Definitely don't believe the front cover that says " Astute and engrossing, this debut is a treat." I could not find anything that was a treat in this book. I should have abandoned it. Anyways I'm off to clean and pack.

STUCK IN LIMBO!

This Monday I almost cracked into a thousand pieces. This process of moving is causing me such stress. The list of things to do seemed so absolutely overwhelming. My children don't seem to hear me when I ask for help, and just want what most children want. To have fun, and to do their own thing. I'm not angry at them, but it is hard to pack a house and try to get two children to focus and help. My sons ability to stay on task when it is not what he wants to do is very bad. I really understood at one point why some people just disappear. I just wanted to get into my car and never be seen again. Let the rest of the world pick up the pieces. This is when my

Mother -in-law would say " you get on your knees and tell God it's in your hands God, I can't do it any more." As I sat and cried while my daughter swam, I realized I really needed to ask for help. I've done a huge amount of work by myself and moving forward was more than I could take at that point. I was so glad that my friend answered the phone and came to help. Just one extra hand made all the difference. Then more people came to help with the cleaning out of the basement. I'm still not totally glued together. I'm still feeling like I could break apart at a moments notice. But I know I'm a bit stronger and I know help is a phone call away.

I feel stuck between being here, and moving there. I look around and say " Are you serious God?" " You really want me to move.?" My little house is finally finished and I have to leave it. I'm leaving such good friends, such good neighbors. I'm living in a packed up house, in the middle of a heat wave. Thank goodness we got the air conditioner in before my husband left.

My list is slowly decreasing, and I'm feeling ready to just get out. And yet the date has not been set. I was hoping to leave in two weeks, but that could possibly not be the case, and I think it will stress me out more. But I guess like always

I need to trust that God is in control. Beyond the move there is so much going on. I'm trying to get a few more things fixed at the house. I'm trying to set up Health insurance. Ugh! I hate health insurance! My brain gets twisted in a knot just trying to understand it all. I'm trying to not let the children realize just how hard this is for me. And then my father in law has a 7cm aneurysm in his heart, he will have surgery on Tuesday. My one real support here had been my mother in law and I can't bring any stress to her. And so I guess that is why on Monday I almost cracked into a thousand pieces.


This whole trial though has made me look at the Atonement so much more differently. The last two Sundays in the Gospel doctrine class at church the focus has been on the last days of the Saviors life. I think of the Savior at his weakest moment, asking God to take the cup from him. Let him not have to go through with the trial before him. And then saying "Not my will, but yours." It is nice to read of that moment. Even the Savior asked for help, and asked for the trial to be less. It allows me to realize it is OK to need help.

It's OK to admit that what you are going through is hard. I've prayed so much for strength. And help. I know God is in charge of all of this. I just need to keep faithful. I just need to keep moving forward. The end will be so much better I'm sure. Sorry for the dramatics. I'm just feeling very overwhelmed. This little blog is my therapy, my way of letting the stress out.

Hope you enjoyed the photo's.